Working definitions
and more pruning
a plant
The main thing I did last week besides cough my lungs out was stare for hours at my plants, contemplating the most strategic way to decapitate them. I promise this is necessary for their health. I just cannot promise it will work. First up is Ficus Elastica who I bought as a sapling in 2019 for $10. It may potentially become nine new trees! Or fewer. Or none. A risk I’m willing to take for the chance of new life. Let’s watch and wait.
an interview
I like thinking about humans. Particularly our sub-categories of girls & women and boys & men. [Nerdy side note: the reason I segment in these pairings is because my current working definition is that the opposite of a girl is not a boy, but a woman, like the opposite of a man is not a woman, but a boy. I think maturity is the key differentiating factor, not necessarily the sexes.]
So I’m grateful for men who think about how we can better care for men as a society. No easy answers. But much helpful fodder for thought in this 2-hour podcast with Richard Reeves on how we are treating men like malfunctioning women:
I was talking [in couple’s therapy] about what I’d done at home and supported my wife’s career. My wife looked at me and said, you seem to think that the problem is that you’re not feminist enough. The problem is that you’re not masculine enough. That was a real moment. We started talking, what did she mean by that? What does it mean to be a man? A man in a relationship? A man in a society of profound moral equality between men and women? I realized that in some ways, I was sort of at war with my masculinity because it didn’t fit with the model of gender equality. That it was a problem to be solved rather than a way of being to be expressed and learned about. It took that moment of my incredibly feminist, unbelievably professionally success wife to say I think the problem is that you’re not masculine enough. I felt as if asking more in our relationship for myself was to be a bad feminist, was to not support her. I was supposed to be a good ally. The world is made for men and all our needs and desires, so my job was to be a good ally to her. But by being so direct, she forced this movement inside me where I gave myself permission to give some expression to the sides of me that are more masculine. Is masculinity the problem? No, it’s how it’s expressed. I thought being assertive was somehow bad because it’s associated with the patriarchy and men dominating. But being passive is not what makes you a good feminist. But being someone who is a woman’s equal. A partner.
I think the term ‘toxic masculinity’ is toxic. It’s used too casually to describe male behavior that we don’t like. One big problem with it is if you ask people who use it to define ‘non-toxic masculinity’, they struggle. They’ll say, there are positive aspects of masculinity. Nurturing, caring, kindness, emotional availability. Is that different from femininity? No, it’s the same. So, let me get this straight, masculinity is either toxic or not masculine. Because if I start saying: courage, positive risk-taking, well-channeled competitiveness, they’ll start saying well, aren’t women courageous? So masculinity is an empty set—it’s either bad or nothing. Is the best we can offer young men the prospect that they can be ‘non-toxic’? Worst recruiting slogan ever. It doesn’t encourage a debate on how to be better men. I much prefer ‘immature’ and ‘mature’ masculinity. I like the idea of asking what does mature masculinity look like? Because we know what immature masculinity looks like. I think maturation is a much better way to frame it.
The best antidote to some of the reactionary content that young men are encountering online is a real-life man in your life. Flesh and blood. My son as a classroom teacher in front of boys, is a more powerful antidote to those inflammatory figures that they will see online than someone else online.
It’s really hard to get it right. But too many of us walk on eggshells. Rather than risking getting it wrong, we do nothing. Which is worse.
TLDR: Even the world is craving for more. I think discipleship and compassion is key. (And obvi Jesus.)
a working definition
My brother called me the other day while he was making dinner, and we talked nearly an hour about the above topic before rabbit-trailing into other philosophizing. What is joy, he asked. I did the teacher thing and replied good question, what do you think it is? I think, he mused, that joy is the fingerprints of God. Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s there. God is at work, etching good in your life. You can choose to ignore it. Or you can choose to take stock and rejoice. Amen, brother.
a song
When Andra Day drops a song, I listen. It’s the old hymn I Know Who Holds Tomorrow. Honestly, how fitting. I literally scribbled these words a few days ago in a notebook: i don’t know what tomorrow will bring. but i know the One who brings tomorrow. Love when DJ Holy Spirit puts the perfect record on. Hope you enjoy this vocally gorgeous rendition as much as I do. (I can’t seem to find who the pianist is, but I’m submitting a request for them to play my entrance song when I make it to heaven 👏)
I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from its sunshine,
For its skies may turn to gray.I don't worry about my future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today He walks beside me,
For He knows what is ahead.Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow,
And I know who holds my hand.
be well, friends! gonna go practice our pull-ups now:
love,
reb
Wow such a good question to think about! What does a mature man look like? 🤔